Return to Arms
by Penelope Pittstop
Summary: Set before the film, the story deals with Benjamin, after he told his wife what had happened at Fort Wilderness.


**_RETURN TO ARMS_******

Some would say he should never have told her.....but she had asked and he had never kept anything from her; never lied. Their love was a strong, wonderful thing and after a joyful first year of marriage, made even more idyllic by the birth of their first child, he was fearlessly,confident and had no cause to hesitate in telling her. 

The gin had doubtless added to the confidence. He therefore told her about the Fort.... He hadn't glamorised it; nor did he really spare her. He stated the facts, talked about his part, told of his remorse..and somewhat foolishly, believed that she could somehow admonish him of the guilt he felt deep inside. 

It was dreadful for her. Why had he let her into this part of him? He would never have caused her pain intentionally; why had he believed this would be all right? Why would anyone share this hell if it weren't necessary? 

When she had turned away from him that night, slamming their bedroom door, locking herself away from him, he had courted the notion that this was an emotional reaction to his tale and that she would, given time, recover from it. How could he have been so naive; how could he have underestimated her so? Gradually the knowledge that he had damaged their relationship sank in, his confidence ebbing away until he finally realised how he had disgusted her, how disappointed she was in him.

The weeks passed slowly, the void between them growing...and a silent, cold vacuum replaced the warmth they had shared, eroding it away until, after a time, Benjamin believed there to be nothing of their former life left. Futile attempts at explanation had been rejected. After all what possible explanation could there be for such brutality? 

From somewhere Benjamin found the strength to stay the course....desperately waiting to win her forgiveness and give a better account of his humanity, be a better man in her eyes. His love for Elizabeth was his whole reason for being, and if she would not have him back he knew he would cease to be. His had indeed been a savage story, but inside he knew in his heart he was a decent man. War had changed him and if he were ever to have her favorable opinion again he would swear there and then never to be drawn to violence again....it was perhaps the only way he could try and make amends for the carnage he had been a part of. He also knew he needed her love and support. He missed her embrace and longed for the slightest hint that somewhere, deep down there might be hope.

Elizabeth had not been easy to win. She had had a number of suitors, a fine looking woman of great intelligence and wit. How he had wooed her, winning her affections by gradually wearing away her resistance to him. She had teased him about his country ways, his dress sense, his courtship even....laughing at his clumsy attempts at a love poem or an ill picked bunch of flowers he might have brought her. Then one day she had quietly declared that she had given up any attempts to detract him and would accept his attentions. He remembered how happy she had made him and how later she had declared she had loved him all along, but had wanted to see if her handsome suitor was serious of heart or would run at the first test of his affections. Their love once openly declared she had given herself to him whole heartedly and they had cherished each other's company.

So Benjamin dared to hope......The months turned to seasons and few words were exchanged between the two, even fewer touches. He slept apart from her, often in the barn after he had drank too much gin to quell his thirst for comfort. He worked too, building the home they had hoped to share in happiness together, planting their land, establishing their plantation....anything to keep him busy. While he was busy working he could at least pretend not to feel his loss. However, he soon discovered that solace did not reside at the bottom of a gin bottle and the energies he had been spending on hunting and drinking he invested in their farm. Perhaps he was trying to prove himself in her eyes...

The day of Benjamin's accident, his mind had been elsewhere. He had been thinking of her pain and how he knew she needed his help around the farm but she refused to ask for it. Didn't she realise that he hurt too? The chisel had slammed down away from its intended destination on the anvil and a cold chill had slipped through his hand as hard metal had met warm flesh. The hand pumped blood from its ragged wound, the surety of the hit damaging tissue, but, fortunately for a craftsman, not bone.

Looking back he remembered her eyes as he entered the kitchen, his hand wrapped in a makeshift bandage from the shirt he had been wearing. She had seemed almost scared; concerned the wound might be worse than it was. She had jumped to his assistance, letting her work drop to the floor and he allowed her to take his hand and lead him to the sink. As she washed the wound and dressed, it she had lost herself in her anguish and spoke more to him in those few moments than she had in all the previous weeks. She had tutted and chided him for not taking more care in the workshop and finally looked up into his clear blue eyes with a mix of exasperation and love. After a deep sigh she had bade him to sit at the table and bandaged the wound in cotton and gently, to both their surprise dropped a tiny kiss onto the dressing.

" There " she had said, " all better!" His heart had felt like it would burst. 

"I" he had started, unsure of what to do or say, "Elizabeth, I ...thank you!" How he had wanted to keep this moment going.

"It's nothing, " she had offered shyly, " but please, Benjamin, promise me that you will take more care"

They had gazed at each other for what seemed like an eternity, each one feeling as they had the first time they had been left alone together; a heady mix of timidity, desire and awkwardness. Finally Benjamin had broken the silence.

"Elizabeth, I know you no longer have feelings for me " but his attempt at a plea for her forgiveness remained unfinished as she swiftly interrupted him.

"I do love you Benjamin, I never stopped loving you. I just cannot be with you while I feel like this." Tiny tears had started to form in her eyes. "You must understand, I love you, you are the most important person in my life, but I never realised you could be capable of what you described to me. You have to let me work out what to do...you have to give me time." and she had released his hand and left the kitchen.

The seasons changed, the house grew and so did their child. Gabriel was nearly two years old now and quite the little man. The pair had lived through him and channeled the love they had once given each other through him. Benjamin continued to work, a man of great energy and skill he fashioned their home to the plans they had discussed during their courtship and dedicated himself to proving himself worthy of her forgiveness.

He started to notice a change in the Fall, just a tiny shift at first, with his dining alone being replaced by a shared meal. Elizabeth had announced it was wasteful to cook twice and made life easier for everyone if they dined together....Then he had been happy to discover her preparing food for him to have while working in the fields, far from the house. The delivery of a lamp to the workshop as darkness fell, instead of him having to fetch it himself, the inclusion of him in her thoughts and plans for the weekly trip into the town, the taking of his arm when out all added to his hope. 

She would talk to him in the evenings now, drawing him on topics to measure his reaction, discern his point of view. She tested his temperament also, watching him, setting him challenges. He recalled the night of the storm how she had crept into his bed late at night, almost imperceptibly and whispered her fear of storms, requesting to spend the night with him to calm her fears. They had spent the night side by side for the first time in months, close, enjoying each other's proximity but scarcely daring to touch. How he had longed to hold her, silently willing her to know of his utmost love and respect for her, hoping his control would be testament to this. In the morning she had awoke in his arms, where they had strayed involuntarily during sleep, and for a brief moment before arising she had looked at him through thick lashes and said "I always feel safe with you Benjamin"

How his heart had leapt! 

When Elizabeth had fallen sick it had taken them both by surprise. The fever had hit so quickly, one day she was well, the next he was keeping vigil at her bedside, his own bed abandoned.. ..how could he sleep with her unwell? The fever had refused to break and after several days the doctor had warned Benjamin to prepare himself for the worst. He refused to believe she would be taken from him, however. Not now they were starting to put their love back together. Surely God would not do that to them both...surely she could not be lost while there was still an unresolved void between them, before he had made peace with her?

Thank God, he was proved right and after sleepless nights and endless days she started to improve, regaining consciousness and the fever lifting. She had seen his vigil at her bedside and smiled weakly at him, seeming comforted by his presence. Reluctantly he had had to take the doctors advice, however and allowed her to be taken back to the family home in Charlestown. The winters in the Santee were too damp and unforgiving for her in her weakened state. He had felt like a failure driving her back, as if he was admitting defeat returning her to whence she had come...and the journey had passed in near silence. 

Their time apart, thankfully passed quite quickly. He occupied himself completing the house, tending the livestock. His days were busy, although his nights were too quiet and empty without his beloved Elizabeth and their son.

He started to write to her, letters full of his days, enquiries about Gabriel, about her well being. He told her of the mundane, keen to be part of her life there and conscious that she may well make a decision to make the move more permanent if it became more appealing than the half life they were presently leading together. That was something he could not have borne. Her replies were short at first, curtious almost, as if writing to one's husband was a strange thing to be doing. Gradually over the weeks she was there they became deeper, more revealing and Benjamin had the feeling he was courting her, winning her all over again. She talked of Charlotte her sister and her impending marriage to a naval officer; she talked about Gabriel and described her days at rest in Charlestown. Her letters said nothing particularly to give him hope, but did, just by the enquiries concerning his well being, acknowledge his overworking, urging him to wrap up warm, eat well and rest. Each letter ended "with much love Elizabeth" and this in itself gave him hope. 

How delighted he had been when the letter had come unexpectedly asking him to come to her, requesting him to fetch her home. He had never ridden so fast in all his life. He had arrived mid-afternoon the day after the letter had arrived, windswept, tired, dirty and she had been waiting for him. Stunned by the speed of his reply to her request, she had rushed downstairs to greet her husband and ran into his arms, unthinking, her need greater than any propriety of behaviour. He had been overjoyed and had wrapped her tightly in his arms, unwilling to break the embrace. She had felt slight and warm and he had closed his eyes, wanting the welcome to last forever. When finally they had released each other she had told him how she had missed him and how her father, moved by the sadness of his daughter, had talked to her, telling her not to judge what horror war can drive men to, until she had experienced war herself. He had told her that if she truly loved Benjamin she would help him, not hurt him, and she had listened. 

No, he probably should never have told her...but now home together, and once again secure in their love and need for each other he was glad he had. 

There could be nothing between them now, no dark secrets, nothing so difficult to overcome that they wouldn't be able to face it together - and he was glad of it.

THE END


End file.
